Sunday, August 15, 2010

night owl.

It's 5:16am.. and I'm pretty freaking awake..
I can't believe last summer.. I would be waking up at like 4:50am..
interesting how things can change within a year...even within a day.
I have about a year left until I leave for the west, so several days ago, I went to Kroger and bought several composition notebooks so I can journal.
This date, next year... I won't be in GA anymore.. or if I am still here.. I will be uber uber close to leaving for CA.

I felt encouraged to write in this thing today, except.. I'm on my mom's laptop, which doesn't have my blog bookmarked.. so I clicked on the link on my FB page to get here.. and I realized how blinding some of the colors are..
I don't know if it's because it's 5:19am, or if it's because I am without contacts/glasses, or.. if indeed, it really is because I chose crappy colors.
Oh well. and life goes on.

What is the point of a tattoo?
I wish I really knew and understood this.
I want a tattoo.. maybe two.
But as soon as I ask myself, "why?"
..I come back to myself with a blank face and nothing to say.
would you like to know my ideas?
Of course you would. You're empty space.. in the cyber world.. waiting for some loser, like me.. to ramble and babble.
1.) "father, son, holy spirit" in Armaic.. each word placed to form a triangle.
..possibly for my top center back.. under my neck, or my right shoulder blade-ish.
2.) an upside down treble & bass clef to make a heart.
..possibly on my inner wrist, or behind my ear.. or on my ankle
3.) a phoenix
.. on my shoulder blade-ish..
I know it's just a fad, and once it's over and done with (especially when I'm an old grandma) I'm gonna want it off of me..
I just really wish I could know what the point of getting a tattoo is.

What is instinct?
How much power do you give your instincts?
When you're faced with something.. how many times do you listen to the little voice at the back of your head?
I have an extremely huge problem with balancing this... factor, if you will.
I'll go back and forth when trying to come to an answer..
from my emotional reasoning to my rational reasoning.
Quantity comes no where close to quality...
so, I think, as hard as it may be...
I am going to have to let go.. and throw away everything.. for good.
Lately, I've been hearing from left and more than I've ever heard in my life all put together.. how physically attractive I am.
And the downtown scum bags booty-callers don't count.
I really.. have never received so many compliments before..
and I've never seen so many people so.. hesitant and afraid to approach me,, because they not only think, but also know that I'm "too good" for them.
It makes me feel kind of uncomfortable.. probably because I am not used to such talk.. so I end up just ignoring it.. and pretend that I didn't hear it.
I'm used to getting compliments on my things. clothes, my shoes, my accessories, my my my my...not.. me.

It's kind of opened my eyes.
People would always tell me to have high expectations when looking in a male..
I think I need to increase my standards on females more though.
Females are extremely...horrible.
And.. we, as females.. know it too.
We know that we're bitches. We know that we use our brains to get what we want. We know it all, yet we continue the cycle, and allow it to spread and affect others.

I have a weakness.
When I fall for a person. Male, Female..doesn't matter.
I fall freaking gosh darn hard.
I will and have become slaves for many.
I'll say, "yes" to whatever you ask me to do.. without thinking, of course.
And then later, realize what I was asked to do.. and curse at myself.
I'll make these promises because at that moment.. I'm so in love with that person.. and I want to do and give all for that person (please continue to keep in mind that this goes for both genders and all ages.) and then later realize I am in no situation to be doing such things.

I always try to watch and learn from others.. see how they end up getting the upper hand, and still have people loving and wanting them.. and I keep mental notes. But as soon as a situation comes to my face, I go straight back to my naive retardedness.

Do I throw away the only two friendships that I've maintained for so many years?
Logically, I have every right and reason to..
Emotionally, I am far to weak to.
For the past 21+ years, I have lived with an emotional brain. I've had people next to me guiding and molding me with logical reasoning, but I am an emotional liver.
Dear Lord, won't you guide me and help me to do what is right.
And if I think of it like that.. throwing away anyone is not an option.. for everyone is put into my life for a reason.. but is this also emotional reasoning? or is it logical?

One more year, and I am out of here.
Dear God, won't you give me the strength and wisdom to endure this thing that you've bestowed upon me...haya.